other endeavors

I wrote this almost exactly a year ago and never posted it:

"Right now, immersed in the deep, dark hole of science, I am amazed at the direction my life has taken. I look back at my college career and wonder about all those classes I took. All of you already know my dabbles into medicine, and the particular interests I took in hematology and oncology. However, those pre-med classes are also what eventually landed me in the department of integrative biology at Cal. (My biology is integrated; I wonder what the area under my curve is. . .do you think it depends on the number of types of biology peaks I have?) However, many of you remember that more than half of my college career was spent reading, writing, and researching in the history department. My focus was apparently 20th century America, with a focus on American perceptions on cancer and science. However, if I were to really look back upon the classes and training I had, I think it might be the history of literature. "

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're fading away? That although you know that maybe people think about you, in general, you actually aren't of much worth to others. If you were gone, no one would notice, or although they would notice, it wouldn't be of much loss to anyone? Looking at the emptiness of my in box, and the lack of phone calls I actually get, I have this feeling. No one would notice if I just fell of the face of the Earth. Who would really care other that my parents, if I decided to fly halfway around the country and just live off of the land? "

Today:
I think life will never cease to bewilder me. Yet another year has passed in graduate school, and I am still trying to learn what might be considered "mysteries" of science. However, I am no longer in a deep, dark hole. Now research involves long walks on the beach, camping in the foggy redwoods, and splashing around in sunny warm rivers. This wonderful feeling of being out in nature is what drew me to this career in the first place; I'm doing for work what I always just considered my hobbies. (Of course it has its negatives, like science writing or smelly rotting amphipods, but these truly don't compare to the happiness of field work.)

Instead of that fading away feeling, I feel like I don't have enough time in my day to hang out with everyone AND get my work done. I get to hang out with people I truly love. My friends have been amazing, and I thank you all for getting me through those days when I felt like I wanted to hibernate. I still get the feeling of wanting to just fly to a remote part of the country and live off the land, but being out in the field gives me enough of a flavor of this, that it's not so acute.